Department of Filk: Walkin' On A Star

Yes, I will be getting back to "Dark Redemption" eventually.  But for the moment, in honor of the upcoming release of the new STAR WARS movie, here's something for my files.

It's a little-known fact that at one point George Lucas wanted to release a special edition of STAR WARS with with all the characters re-cast using actors from Hollywood's Golden Age inserted into the footage using computer graphics.  "I always intended Han Solo to be played by Humphrey Bogart," he said, "and now we have the technology to do it."

Selling the franchise to Disney has postponed this plan, but perhaps someday we will see Luke Skywalker played by Jimmy Cagney, C-3PO by Edward Evertt Horton, and Darth Vader by Edward G. Robinson.

But who would play Yoda?  It would have to be someone with the ears for it.  I don't quite picture Clark Gable working in the role, but Bing Crosby might.

And with that in mind, let's have a few words of advice from the Ol' Groaner:

(to the tune of "Swingin' On a Star")

Would you like to walk on a star,
In a galaxy away far,
And be Jedi off than you are?
-- Or would you rather be a droid?

A droid is a kind of cybernetic schlemiel,
He's made out of chrome and stainless steel.
He has to do whatever humans say,
And when things go wrong he gets blamed anyway;
But if that like dosen't make you too annoyed,
You might do well to be a droid.

Or would you like to walk on a star,
In a galaxy away far,
And be Jedi off than you are?
-- Or would you rather be a wookie?

A wookie's an alien all covered with fur;
It's hard to distinguish him from her;
His hair is shaggy, hanging in his eyes;
Shave him bald, he's just three feet in size,
But if you don't get a trim, I'll bet a cookie;
Folks might mistake you for a wookie.

Or would you like to walk on a star,
In a galaxy away far,
And be Jedi off than you are?
-- Or would you be a Lord of Sith?

A Sith Lord's a guy whose name is raspy and hoarse;
He uses the Dark Side of the Force;
He's evil, nasty and he's cruel and mean;
He wears black armor, (easier to clean),
But if you want to give Good a total ,mith,
You might just be a Lord of Sith.

And all the nerf-herds aren't all in space,
You meet lots of them ev'ry place.
Better look yourself in the face;
You could be Jedi than you are...
-- You could be walkin' on a star!

Department of Filk: The Literary Mack the Knife

Okay, dipping once again into the Filk file for a bit of literary silliness.  Swing it, Satchmo!

The Literary Mack the Knife

(tune:  "Mack the Knife" (of course!))

Oh the Shark has

Pretty teeth, dear

And he shows them

Pearly white,

You won't meet him

In the bookstore

But you might meet

Mack the Knife

When the shark bites

With his teeth, dear

Scarlet billows

'Gin to spread;

MacHeath’s lethal

Like the shark, dear,

But he's also

Quite well-read

By the shores of

Gitchee-Gumi,

Hiawatha

Used to go;

Now Nikomis

Sits there weeping;

Mack please say it

Isn't so...

Once upon a

Midnight dreary,

Weak and weary,

Pondered I;

Is that tapping

Just a raven

Or is Mackie

Stopping by...?

Mistress Em'ly

Belle of Amherst

Once sat writing

After tea;

"Since I could not

Stop for Death, dear,

Mack, he kindly

Stopped for me..."

It was Brillig,

Slithy Toves did

Gyre and Gimble

In the Wabe

Vorpal Mack went

Snicker-snack, dear

Jabberwock lay

There outgabe...

Captain Ahab,

That fanatic

Sought to kill that

Monster whale;

But who really

Sank the Pequod?

Mack says "Call me

Ishmael..."

Once an Old Man

Caught a “Beeg Feesh”

As he struggled

‘Gainst the Sea;

When the sharks bit,

With their teeth, dear,

Mack said “Leave a

Bite for me!”

Rev'rend Dimsdale,

Sinning Hester,

Justice Pynchon

Sweet Goodman Brown

Mister Hawthorne

Set them up, dear,

But our Mackie,

Mowed 'em down.

Our great authors

Wrote us stories

Full of death as

Well as life;

Don’t be napping

While in Lit Class

Or you might miss

Mack the Knife!

Department of Filk: The Vampire's Daughter

Here's another piece of filk I decided to drag up from my archives  The tune is an obscure one, unless you happen to like old Warner Brothers cartoons, and even then you might not associate the title with the melody.

The original song, "She Was An Acrobat's Daughter", was used in an early Porky Pig cartoon of the same name set in a movie theater.  Carl Stalling, the composer who scored most of those Warner cartoons, liked to incorporate snatches from old songs into his scores associated with stock situations, and he frequently inserted this one any time a cartoon involved acrobats, trapeze artists, or sometimes even just floating though the air with the greatest of ease.  (No, wait, that was a different song).

But for this filk, I decided to give the lyrics a Halloween theme.  Yes, Halloween was over a week ago; but I still hope you enjoy it.

The Vampire's Daughter

(to the tune of:  "She Was an Acrobat's Daughter.")

She was a vampire's daughter

She wasn't just looking for sex

   Her Friday night dates

   Met with terrible fates

And wound up with two holes in their necks;

   Oh,

She was a vampire's daughter

Lugosi had nothing on her,

   'Til one night in the sack

   A werewolf bit her back

And she woke up all covered with fur.

She was a lycanthrope's daughter

We went out one evening to spoon

   But she gave me a scare

   When she let down her hair

And proceeded to howl at the moon;

   Oh,

She was a lycanthrope's daughter

Our love-life had only one hitch

   Our romance was sublime

   Save each month at that time

She turned into a terrible bitch

She was Doc Frankenstein's daughter

In college she majored pre-med

   But they called her a crank

   In a sorority prank

When she tried resurrecting the dead

   Oh,

She was Doc Frankenstein's daughter

And that's why I have to complain

   When I offered my heart,

   She said "No, not that part;

I want you, dear, just for your brain!"

She was King Ihmotep’s daughter

She had a seductress's smile

   A flirtatious young minx

   And just like the sphinx

She hailed from the banks of the Nile

   Oh,

She was King Imhotep’s Daughter

Her beaus had to fear for the worst

   Her embrace, although lusty,

   was also quite dusty

And if "Mummy" found out they'd get cursed.

She was Van Helsing's daughter

A fairly nice girl, you'd presume,

   A pretty young miss

   And quite pleasant to kiss

Once you got past her garlic perfume

   Oh,

She was Van Helsing's daughter

So she preferred playing it smart

   Any Tom, Vlad or Dickie

   Tried to give her a hickey

They'd find with a stake through his heart.

This song has a definite moral

You'll pay it some heed if you're wise

   If the girl of your dreams

   Provokes nightmarish screams

Better off hanging out with the guys!

Department of Filk: Moria

It's been a while since I've written any new filksongs, but this one came to me today and I'm recording it for posterity.  There is, I believe, some disagreement as to the correct pronunciation of the title.  I've always pronounced it "Mo-RYE-uh", but I've also heard it as "MOR-ee-ya".  And I think Professor Tolkien pronounced it "Mo-REE-ah" and got annoyed when people said it differently.  In any case, the song won't rhyme if you say it the other way, so there we are.

Maestro, a little music please.

Moria
(to the tune of "They Call the Wind Mariah")

The dwarves have names they do not tell
For steel and forge and fire.
Their mountain home is Khazad-dum
But the elves call it Moria.

Moria's halls wind dark and deep,
Within the mountain's bowels;
The names of those who in them sleep
Have hardly any vowels.

Moria, Moria,
They call the pit Moria

Long, long ago in Durin's day
These mines the dwarves did settle;
Deep, deep they delved Moria's mines
And found the mithril metal.

But then, alas, too deep they delved,
For mithril, so alluring;
Until they woke the baneful blight
That proved the doom of Durin.

Moria, Moria.
They call the pit Moria

The dwarves have names for fire and forge
And others they ain't telling;
But there's no curses strong enough
For the Bane in Durin's Dwelling.

And someday they'll reclaim their land,
And purge it from all terror;
Moria call your kinfolk home,
For there's no cavern fairer.

Moria, Moria
They call the pit Moria.

Department of Filk: The Hogwarts Hymnal

It's been a while since I put anything up here, so let's dredge through my files and dig out some pieces of Harry Potter filk I wrote a while back. First of all, let's put on the Sorting Hat and see what house we get:

Slytherin
(tune: "Camelot")

When looking for a house in which to dwell in,
The Sorting Hat responded with a grin;
And said, "We have a place for you, my felon,
In Sytherin."

Where we admire Caligula and Nero,
Where ruthlessness is never thought a sin;
Lucretia Borgia's counted as a hero
In Slytherin!

Slytherin!
Slytherin!
It's where ambition is the rule;
In Slytherin,
Slytherin;
The keenest house at school.

Where how you play the game is not important;
The only thing that counts is that you win!
In short there's never been
As Machiavellian
A place for guile and cunning as there is in
Sly-ther-in!

* * * * *

Ravenclaw
(tune: "Edelweiss")

Ravenclaw,
Held in awe
By her resident students;
Sharp as tacks,
Brainiacs,
Filled with wisdom and prudence;

Mensa material
'Till the end;
We'll be friends forever;
True of heart,
Very smart;
We're so terrible clever!

* * * * *

Gryffindor
(tune: "Baby Face")

Gryffindor,
We are the lion's house
We're Gryffindor;
We're strong and brave and loyal
To the core,
Hear us roar!
That's our alma mater
We're the house of Harry Potter

Gryffindor;
You've read about us in the
Books of Hogwarts lore;
You're going to shout "encore!"
Each time you see us score;
We're the team called Gryffindor!

* * * * *

Hufflepuff
(tune: "Thank God, I'm a Country Boy!")

Well they sat me down, put a hat on my head,
I felt real nervous and my face turned red;
They gave me a house, and that's when I said,
"Yes sir, I'm a Hufflepuff!"

Well, life in Huffle House is mighty fine,
'Cause Huffles stick together like grapes on a vine;
Ol' Fat Friar is a close friend of mine;
Yes sir, I'm a Hufflepuff!

CHORUS:
Well, some dress plain and some wear a ruffle;
Some dress fancy, some kinda shuffle;
They'll give you a hug if they know you're a Huffle;
Yes sir, I'm a Hufflepuff!

Well, some call us dull, and some call us ploddin',
Our ways aren't fancy and we don't go maraudin';
We keep our eyes open and you won't catch us noddin';
Yes sir, I'm a Hufflepuff!

Our blood ain't blue and our line ain't royal,
'Cause just like the badger we're sons of the soil;
We stick to our friends and we're not scared of toil;
Yes sir, I'm a Hufflepuff!

CHORUS:
Well, some dress plain and some wear a ruffle;
Some dress fancy, some kinda shuffle;
They'll give you a hug if they know you're a Huffle;
Yes sir, I'm a Hufflepuff!

* * * * *

And now a few words about our faculty:

Dumbledore
(tune: Theme from "Underdog")

When Harry Potter and his crew
Have bit off more than they can chew
And face the wrath of You-Know-Who
It's time to send and owl too...

Dumbledore! (Dumbledore!)
Dumbledore! (Dumbledore!)

Foe of Darkness,
Friend of Harry;
Head of Hogwarts
Seminary;

Dumbledore!
Dumbledore! (Dumbledore!)

* * * * *

And finally, because he's my wife's favorite:

Snape!
(tune: "Mame")

Who's ready with a sarcastic quip?
Snape!
Who thinks that Harry Potter's a drip?
Snape!

Who drives the Slyth'rin girls so mad
'Cause he is so sexy and so hot?
Who wants the D.A. job so bad
That he'd kiss a weasel for the spot?

Who might be working for You-Know-Who?
Snape!
Who really ought to change his shampoo?
Snape!

Whose nose is long and thin and yet
Easily gets bent right out of shape?
Whose glances are so witherin'?
Who has no use for ditherin'?
Who puts the Sin in Slytherin?
Snape!

Follow the Bouncing d20

From November 29, 2004, one of my "Live and Let Dice" columns exploring the intersection between gaming and filk. What is filk, you may ask? Read on, if you dare!

Follow the Bouncing d20

According to legend, the name came from a typo. A science fiction convention scheduled a time slot for folk singing, but when the program book was printed, it said FILK singing. Fans being what they are, they embraced the flub as something special; a term to signify folk songs that have been mutated to reflect the Fannish Experience.

Most filk songs are inspired by science fiction or fantasy novels, or on Movies or TV shows. There are some gaming filks, like "There Were Orcses, Orcses" and "You Kill the Balrog and I'll Climb the Tree", but not a lot of them. Or perhaps I just have not been hanging around the right filkers.

Of course everyone acknowledges that music has an important part in the Role-Playing Experience. Gaming books will often suggest playing background music while playing in order to provide a suitable atmosphere. Soundtrack albums for action movies make good choices for this.

My wacky brother Steeve once took this to the ultimate: He made his own musical. He was running a game called It Came From the Late Late Show, a silly beer & pretzels game in which you play an actor in a cheesy B-grade horror movie. Not a character, an actor. You get to do things like call for stunt doubles and sulk in your trailer and argue with the director over motivation as well as hack, slash and get killed by the Monster. Anyway, once for a convention he worked up a Musical for his "Late Late Show" game. He compiled a CD with an eclectic mix of songs and from time to time the action of the game would stop for a musical number, to which the players would have to lip synch. The title of the musical was "Nature Trail to Hell", from the "Weird Al" song. Another show-stopper in the musical was the Village People's "YMCA". As I said, it was an eclectic mix.

Granted, that was an extreme case for a special occasion. but I have never done anything like that myself. I don't set up candles and atmospheric lighting in my gaming area too, or make campaign maps on simulated parchment. These are all fun things to do, but me, I'm lucky if I can get the dining room table cleared off in time for company. An organized GM I am not.

But I have written RPG-based filk from time to time, and sometimes I inflict it upon my players. The first filk I ever wrote was based on a phrase in my head and the mental image of a hobbit playing a string bass. Unlike most filk, this one is not based on an existing tune, so just try humming a basic 12-bar blues line.

HALFLING BLUES

I'm a halfling, and my woes are as big as I'm not;
I live in a long, lost place, what most folks forgot;
And I'm tryin' so hard to lose --
-- I got them Halfling Blues.

Wizards and elves assume that I'm not wise;
And even the dwarves make jokes about my size.
No one shares your views --
-- You got them Halfling Blues.

Halfling Blues
Are buggin' me;
I'm just about as low as low can be.
I walk aroun'
Wearin' funny clothes;
An' I got hair on all of my toes

I mean my present state has got me so confuse';
I have paid my dues --
-- Singin' them Halfling Blues.

I'm sick and tired of tryin' to talk to people while starin' them in the knee;
And it's hard playing basketball, when you stand three foot three!
Nothing can excuse;
Your feet hurt 'cause you don't wear shoes,
How I long to lose --
-- Them crummy li'l Halfling Blu-uuuuuues...

(J.R.R. Tolkein, come on give me a break!!!)

Years later, when I was playing in a CHAMPIONS group in Iowa, I decided that our campaigns needed their own theme songs. We were rotating between three or four games at the time and I came up with a filk for each. Probably the best one was for a game based on the Marvel super-team THE AVENGERS:

THE THEME FROM THE AVENGERS

(sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries")

They're the Avengers,
They're the Avengers,
Vanquishing Evil,
That's what they do;

Yes They're the Avengers,
Mighty Avengers,
Stouthearted members,
Noble and true!

When danger is near
They always appear;
So let's give a cheer,
Avengers are here!!!

I have to admit, the tunes I pick for my filk are not always sittin' 'round the campfire with your guitar material, but I try to choose melodies that fit the subject matter; and what better composer for a team which includes the Mighty Thor is there than Richard Wagner?

Sometimes the tunes get a bit obscure. For our Victorian Era Monster Stompers campaign, I chose a song from the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta Ruddigore. That's one of the problem with the world, there's not enough Gilbert & Sullivan.

THEME FROM FEARLESS MONSTER HUNTERS

(sung to the tune of "The Ghost's High Noon")

When the night comes down,
On London Town
And the streets are dark with dread;
Creatures of fright
Lurk in the night
Where footpads fear to tread.
When the werewolves walk
And the undead stalk,
We'll send 'em right back to their tombs;
For we are the Fearless Monster Hunters,
Demon and vampire's doom!

Of course, not all my songs were obscure. I wrote a theme for the JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL campaign I was running at the time based on "It's A Small World After All." I only got a couple bars into singing it when the other players started throwing things.

I have had games where songs became a part of the plot. I had a long running TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE campaign, an insanely silly game inspired by anime series like URUSEI YATSURA and RANMA 1/2. My TFOS campaign suffered in a way from social darwinism in that I had a couple of really good players who would take plot bits and run with them and often I, as GM, had to scramble to keep ahead of them. My good friend Russ was also in that game; a good and creative gamer, but not quite as aggressive. While the craziness was running rampant, he would often sit back, apparently overlooked, and quietly devise his own craziness -- eminently logical, but no less crazy -- and then spring it on the rest of the group.

In one TFOS game I had the group starting a garage band to enter a contest; your basic zany teen plot, right out of ARCHIE. Russ decided that his character, (An amoeboid alien name Dwerl), would write songs for the group; so while the other characters and I were chasing the plot, he was sitting by himself composing atrocious lyrics for the band.

NINJA LOVE

by Dwerl Abzolveric (Russ Collins)

Ba-ba-LOOOOO,
Itchi-KOOOO!
Don't be BLUUUUUE!
Ba-ba-LOOOOO!!!

...And so on.

Dwerl's songwriting became a running joke in the campaign and he kept coming up with new ones; almost all of which contained the word "Babaloo". Another running gag was Lynn Minmei, the bubble-headed pop singer from ROBOTECH; (or SUPER DIMENSIONAL FORTRESS MACROSS, for you purists), possibly the first anime series to combine cute girl idol singers with mecha-blasting space battles. Anyway, one of the players was a ROBOTECH fan, so whenever the plot required a celebrity to come to town for a concert, or for there to be a song on the radio, I had the performer be Lynn Minmei. I also wrote a song to be her signature piece. I like to imagine it as the ulitmate bad karaoke song. I also wanted to write a romantic ballad that includes the phrase "deploy electronic countermeasures".

SMALL WHITE DRAGON

My love is like a small white dragon;
Exploding mecha fills my heart.
When your arms reach out like corkscrew missiles,
I know we'll never part.

My love is like a small white dragon;
Romantic shrapnel fills the air;
When your eyes pierce mine like mega-lasers,
It goes to show the love we share.

When you deploy electronic countermeasures
To jam my signal of desire,
What more can I do? My target's locked on you:
Ready,
Aim,
Fire!

My love is like a small white dragon'
And in my heart, you'll always be,
When cluster bombs ignite our true love's fire-fight,
A small white dragon of love for me.

I don't know if there's any moral to all this, other than that some people want to fill the world with silly orc songs.

What's wrong with that?